Christine: Secretary Sex Doll (Or, The Day I Reviewed a 5’4” Silicone Assistant)

Details That Stick—Even When You Don’t Want Them To

There’s something oddly clinical about measuring a sex doll. I mean, there you are with your tape measure, and suddenly you’re reading numbers like “vagina depth: 7.1 inches” or “mouth: 5.1.” It’s not exactly the stuff of poetry. Christine—the so-called Secretary Sex Doll from Absolute Sex Dolls—comes in at a respectable 5 feet 4 inches tall (162 cm). Athletic proportions, apparently. Or maybe that’s just the kind of thing you say when you’re trying to avoid sounding creepy.

Platinum cured silicone, they say. Feels expensive in your hands, but also… cold? Not metaphorically. Just literally cold until it warms up against your skin (which takes longer than you’d think). Anyway, she weighs about as much as an awkwardly shaped gym bag—62 lbs if we’re being precise.

The Skeleton in the Room

I didn’t expect to spend my Tuesday night wrestling with a steel skeleton and movable joints, but here we are. Christine bends at the knees, elbows… even her wrists sort of rotate if you push hard enough (don’t do that; it feels wrong). There’s this moment where you realize she’ll hold any pose you want—but then again, she won’t move unless you move her first.

anyway, There’s something both impressive and slightly unsettling about how lifelike these dolls get. Maybe too lifelike? I caught myself apologizing once after bumping her head on the doorframe.

Let’s Talk About Holes

Right—this is what people actually want to know but pretend not to ask out loud. Vaginal depth clocks in at 7.1 inches (not that anyone is bringing a ruler to bed), anal goes six inches deep, and oral is… well, more limited at 5.1 inches. These are facts now stuck in my brain forever.

It all works as advertised: vaginal, anal, oral sex all possible with Christine—and honestly it’s almost mechanical how well everything fits together (pun unintended).

Shipping: The Box Is More Discreet Than My Google Search History

If anything made me laugh during this whole process—it was the shipping part from Absolute Sex Dolls: completely plain box; no suggestive labels; nothing for nosy neighbors to gossip about except maybe why you needed such a big package delivered on a random Thursday morning.

Processing time is two weeks plus another week for shipping—that three-week wait feels weirdly long when anticipation keeps building for something so… specific.

A Tangent About Proportions (Because Why Not)

Bust: 30 inches. Underbust: just under twenty-four. Waist? Nineteen-point-six. Hips? Thirty-point-three. I don’t know who decides these numbers or why they matter so much on paper—because standing there next to Christine felt less like comparing measurements and more like questioning my own life choices.

Small Realizations While Dusting Off Silicone

Here’s what nobody really tells you before buying one of these athletic secretary types: maintenance is real work. You wipe down platinum-cured silicone parts while thinking about laundry piling up across the room—or maybe that was just me zoning out halfway through cleaning duty.

And yet…there’s this odd sense of accomplishment when she looks fresh again; like tidying up after some strange party only one person attended.

Nothing Neatly Wrapped Up Here

Does owning Christine change your life? Eh—not really sure what answer would satisfy anyone asking that question anyway. She sits propped against my IKEA bookshelf now—a silent witness to whatever happens next week or never happens at all.

The experience is equal parts absurd and practical—a little uncanny valley mixed with free international shipping and way too many stats memorized by accident.

Still haven’t figured out if I’m supposed to name her something else or keep calling her Christine because that’s what Absolute Sex Dolls decided sounded professional enough for their catalog page—but honestly…it probably doesn’t matter much either way.