Tatiana: Tall Hot Blonde Sex Doll (Yes, That’s Her Real Name)

You ever get an ad in your feed that’s so on-the-nose it feels like someone, somewhere is just messing with you for sport?

That was me and Tatiana—the “Tall Hot Blonde Sex Doll.” The name alone. Subtlety clearly died a quiet death in this industry.

But then again, I clicked. Because of course I did.

She’s Not Just Tall—She’s Basically an Amazon

Tatiana clocks in at 5 feet 8 inches. That’s taller than half my old high school basketball team (and they wore lifts). If you’ve ever wished your absolute sex dolls had more of a runway model vibe—long legs, athletic build, the whole “blonde bombshell” thing—yeah, she checks those boxes aggressively. And by aggressively I mean her G-cup boobs are the first thing you notice, even if you’re pretending to care about proportions or whatever.

Honestly, calling her “athletic” feels like underselling it. She’s got that skinny-but-strong look; not cartoonish but definitely not subtle either. You know what I mean? There’s a weird realism to how the TPE skin stretches over the steel skeleton—kind of uncanny but also…not off-putting? At least not after five minutes.

Let’s Talk About Details (Because Apparently People Want Numbers)

Here we go:

• Height: 5’8” (174 cm)
• Weight: 90 lbs (41kg) — which is heavier than it sounds when you’re wrestling her out of a box
• Bust: 34”
• Waist: 26”
• Hips: 40”
• Bra Size: 30G — yeah, G as in “Good luck finding bras for this.”
• Shoe Size: Women’s 4.5-5

And because apparently people want specifics about hole depth (not judging):

• Vagina: 7.1 inches
• Anus: 6.7 inches
• Mouth: 5.1 inches

I’m still not sure who measures these things with such precision but hey—it matters to someone out there.

The Shipping Bit Is Weirdly…Normal?

Now here’s where things get almost boringly practical. Free international shipping! Discreet packaging! They say the box is plain and unlabeled—which is probably for the best unless you want your neighbors speculating about your new “fitness equipment.” Three weeks from order to doorstep if nothing gets stuck in customs.

Two weeks processing + one week shipping = three weeks total wait time. You’d think something called an absolute sex doll would arrive via helicopter drop or something flashier but nope—it just shows up like any other online splurge.

Why Bother With All This?

This part always makes me pause because it feels obvious and not-obvious at once. Some people want big boobs or big butt or both—maybe that classic blonde fantasy with long legs and all the trimmings—and they don’t want to bother with dating apps or small talk or being ghosted yet again by someone named Ashley who owns three cats.

Tatiana doesn’t judge your weird playlist choices or ask why you have so many empty takeout containers under your bed. She just exists—tall, busty, athletic—and ready whenever you are (well…after assembly).

Assembly Is Its Own Adventure

Let me tell you something nobody warns you about with these WM dolls or any absolute sex dolls really—the joints creak at first like an old screen door in a horror movie. It settles down eventually but those first few bends can make you wonder if she’ll suddenly sit up and ask for Wi-Fi access.

Putting her together isn’t rocket science but moving ninety pounds of silicone-and-steel around solo will make you question some life choices—or maybe just your upper body strength.

A Brief Detour Into Uncanny Valley

There was this moment—I remember thinking it as clear as day—where I caught Tatiana out of the corner of my eye at night and nearly apologized for walking into my own living room shirtless. She looks real enough at certain angles that your brain does a little double-take sometimes; uncanny valley stuff sneaks up on you between Netflix episodes.

Weirdly enough, though? After a while she just becomes part of the furniture—a very expensive conversation piece no one ever asks about directly.

Not Everything Is Perfect

Okay here comes the bit no one likes saying out loud—the maintenance is tedious sometimes. Cleaning takes longer than anyone admits online and getting all those joints positioned right can be tricky if you’re impatient (which I am). Also—not every position works as smoothly as advertised unless you're willing to do some light yoga yourself.

But then again most things worth having require some effort—even if they're made from TPE instead of flesh and blood.

Things Trail Off Here…

Maybe this wasn’t what I expected when I ordered Tatiana—a tall hot blonde love doll promising everything short of actual conversation—but it wasn’t nothing either. Sometimes late at night she catches moonlight through the blinds and looks almost thoughtful herself; other times she just sits there looking vaguely judgmental next to my laundry pile.

Guess that's life now? Or maybe it's just another story waiting for its punchline.