Heidi: Housewife Sex Doll — A Surprisingly Mundane Adventure

The Box That Wasn’t There

There’s something anticlimactic about waiting three weeks for a package you’re not supposed to talk about. I mean, you order the Heidi Housewife Sex Doll (yes, the one that’s 5 feet 7 inches tall—172 cm if you’re feeling metric), and then life just sort of… goes on. You check your email too often. You forget why you wanted her in the first place. Then one day, there’s this very plain box at your door, as if someone left behind a piece of IKEA furniture and forgot the instructions.

Discreet packaging, they say. They mean it. No logos, no hints—nothing to betray what’s inside unless you have X-ray vision or psychic neighbors. It almost makes you feel like an international spy except—well—your mission is just loneliness and curiosity.

Anatomy of a “Housewife”

Let’s get clinical for half a minute because apparently people want details: Heidi is a B-cup TPE sex doll (that means thermoplastic elastomer, which sounds technical but really just feels squishier than silicone). She weighs 84 lbs (38 kg). Not light enough to toss around carelessly; not heavy enough to require a gym membership either. Her bust is 31 inches, underbust 26, waist 22.8, hips clocking in at 33.8.

I remember thinking these numbers would matter more once she arrived—as if my life was suddenly going to be measured in inches and centimeters instead of hours spent procrastinating online.

Movable Joints: More Fun Than It Sounds?

Steel skeleton inside means movable joints everywhere—shoulders, elbows, knees that creak with faint resistance if you move them wrong (not creepy at all). Setting up Heidi felt weirdly like posing an action figure for adults who’ve given up on pretending they don’t still play with toys.

You can bend her legs or arms into whatever position suits your mood—or lack thereof—but there’s always this moment where it feels like too much effort for something that isn’t going to ask how your day was.

Yes, All Three Options Are Open

Vaginal? Check—6.7 inches deep. Anal? Same depth. Oral? Slightly less ambitious at 5.1 inches. I guess someone out there keeps track of these things with scientific rigor (not me).

The whole experience is oddly transactional: here are the measurements; here are the holes; here is what absolute sex dolls promise on their website—a kind of mechanical certainty that real life never quite delivers.

Shipping Takes Forever (Or Maybe Time Just Warps)

Processing takes two weeks plus another week for shipping—that’s three weeks total before anything even happens in your bedroom or living room or wherever people keep their housewife sex dolls when company comes over. Free international shipping though! Which sounds nice until you realize there isn’t exactly a tracking number called “When Will My Existential Crisis Arrive?”

Did I Mention Cleaning?

No one ever talks about cleaning her after use—not really anyway—but let me tell you: it matters more than any measurement listed above. If there were awards for awkward domestic moments alone in your bathroom… well.

For what it’s worth: TPE cleans easier than I expected but not as easily as I hoped.

An Unexpected Pause

Somewhere between unboxing and assembly I started wondering why anyone needs such precise stats on hole depth or hip circumference anyway—it all starts to blur together after awhile when nobody else is home except maybe the cat who looks vaguely judgmental from across the room.

Absolute sex dolls seem designed for people who want answers without questions attached—the illusion of intimacy without any actual messiness beyond soap and water clean-up duty afterward.

Would I Do It Again?

Eh… maybe? There’s something comforting about predictability even if it doesn’t make up for warmth or conversation or whatever else we pretend we don’t miss sometimes late at night when everything gets quiet enough to actually notice how quiet things have gotten lately—

Anyway, Heidi sits propped against my couch now, waiting for whatever comes next— or doesn’t. Which might be fine too, honestly.